A reminiscence of Lumpy Pete

Have sent a telegram to the Hampstead residence of Mr. Lumpy Pete esq., inviting him to dine with me at The Porcupine on Thursday night. I wish to discuss with him my plans for further travels in the unknown lands. Lumpy was my right hand man on my explorations through the upper lowlands in 18--, and a truly excellent accomplice he was, to boot.

There is one incident from that fateful journey of which I often think. Lumpy and I were passing into East Excelspreadsheet along the dusty Hggr Road, with two young Austrian men we had met in a bar the previous night. All of a sudden we were ambushed by a group of natives. The group – a dozen of them in all - clamoured about us, invading our personal space in a wholly inconsiderate manner.

Initially unconcerned, I then noticed the savages were wearing the acid-washed jeans and banana clips peculiar to the Detnuii Tribe, and my blood ran cold. The Detnuii are known for acts of such outrageous depravity that would chill the heart of even the most seasoned workhouse inspector.

We were trussed up and forced to accompany them through the jungle to their camp. As the sun went down on Excelspreadsheet, the four of us were pushed down into a pit along a rickety bamboo walkway. In trepidation, we descended into the darkness until fully twenty feet submerged we hit the bottom, which boiled with wriggling creatures and creeping beasts of all sizes and shapes. The walkway was removed and this pit was to become our home for the next month.

Every day at sunrise, one of our captors would spray us with rabbit droppings then shout insults until another took over at lunchtime. Thankfully, this one was a little milder in tone, but could still have a most unreasonable turn of phrase. We would spend all day under the scorching sun, scrabbling away in the dirt for the bugs that roamed therein, which we would gobble up immediately.

To stop fights breaking out, we developed an arrangement whereby I would eat only beetles, while Lumpy stuck exclusively to worms. Furthermore, the two Austrian boys would eat solely spiders and ants respectively. After a while we began a system of bartering. I found myself the proprietor of a rather successful smallholding that I dare say could have gone on to greater things - were it not submerged in a pit and sprayed with rabbit effluent twice a day.

By the fourth week, things were turning desperate. From the bitchy looks they were shooting at us from their corner of the pit, we suspected the boys were cottoning on to the fact that they had gotten the raw end of the deal with spiders and ants. It was us or them, and on the thirtieth night, we charged over and fought them to the death using daggers we had fashioned from beetles squashed together then hardened in the sun.

As we prepared ourselves for a meal of Austrian boys, spiders and ants, a sound came from above us. We looked up to see the tribespeople jumping up and down and screaming, reacting in a raucous manner to the murders we had carried out. The walkway was lowered and our weakened bodies were carried aloft. We were immediately set free.

What can I say of the meaning to this adventure? Did the Detnuii put us to a test of stamina, to see who deserved freedom the most? All I can do is repeat the words of the man I took to be their leader, as we were set free:

“That might be the way you behave at your house, but when you come to ours for dinner, we expect a little decorum.”