A viewing at the anotomical department of the London Hospital

Readers - a bewitching weekend! Today, myself and my new lodger, Mr Lumpy Pete Esq., went along to the anotomical department of the London Hospital, where a viewing was being held of the latest "talk of the town".

All week the penny dreadfuls have been rife with tales of the outlandish creature found washed upon the shores at Portsmouth - a creature of such shocking countenance that it is said that the local peasantry started to assemble a bonfire in the town square on which to burn this so-called 'harpy'.

The creature, which is humanoid in form and female of sex, was saved at the last moment by a businessman who smelled a pretty penny could be made from this poor beast.

The fellow - whose name was Elphick - had set up a stall and was charging a penny a throw to view the visitor, while treating her awful harsh with beatings and deathly threats.

It was fortunate for the creature that doctors from the London Hospital had gotten word of this fascinating discovery and traveled down to Portsmouth. Having paid off Elphick with a collection of pornographic daguerretypes, the distressed creature was saved and brought back to London for immediate vivisection.

However, on their return the doctors discovered that the beast, despite her other-worldly appearance, held some form of intelligence, and that she uttered some kind of language, unknown to the Hospital. They decided that vivisection would be delayed while she was inspected more closely.

Where she was from, no one knew. The Pall Mall Gazette speculated that she was from Grimpy-Grimpy Land in the Upper Lowlands, while the Illustrated Times - which published some fascinating drawings of her mons veneris - suggested the Isles of Sebadoh.

As anthropology students, myself and Lumpy were keen to view the creature for ourselves and filed into the main observation room with the varous scientists, students, journalists, bored housewives and drunks sheltering from the rain.

Doctor Woolgrove - eminent in the field of ethnology, with a doctorate in Sickening Beasts - took to the stage.

"Gentlemen," he called for attention. "Prepare yourselves for a view so horrendous in nature, so awful to the eye, that you may weep, you may faint from shock. But please remember, we are men of science. And as men of science we have a duty to inspect this creature, to learn and gain an understanding of how it thinks and feels. And ultimately to slice it open and take it apart, piece by piece. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Mandy."

A curtain was party and in the creature walked. Collectively breath was inhaled and some of the housewives fell from their chairs.

Mandy was fully eight feet tall. Her body, roughly the same shape as a human, was covered in an over-abundence of surface flesh, which hung down in glutinous folds around her body, particularly her neck, her armpits and her inner thighs. Her breasts, of which I counted eight, hung down in a pendulous manner. But her face - if one might call it that - was perhaps the most alarming.

With no neck to speak of, the head sort of leaked down into her upper torso, with her face being merely a series of quivering bulges which looked ready to explode at any moment. Some of these bulges may have been her eyes, nose or ears - it was hard to tell.

The overall impression was that one was viewing a large, creamy blancmange.

From within the face, a wide crevice opened and uttered the following in a series of gaseous belches:

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Pleased to meet you, I'm sure."

The room exploded with wild chatter. Each man turned to his fellow in astonishment to check he was seeing correctly. By my side, Lumpy Pete nudged me and uttered into my ear: "I say, Augustus. What do you make of the poor creature? I have seen nothing like it in my life!"

"Why, she's beautiful," I replied dreamily.

Lumpy stared at me, his monocle dropping from his eye with astonishment.

A lengthy and tedious question and answer session followed, during which I admit I fell asleep for a period. Then, as the gallery gathered itself to leave, I seized my opportunity. I bounded up to Mandy and pressed into her glutinous pad that passed for a hand a crumpled piece of paper. "My phone number," I said with a worldly air. "Give me a call if you fancy being shown around town."

Myself and Lumpy returned home and continued our studies. But I have been unable to concentrate, thinking of my adorable Mandy. No call from her yet, damn it - I presume those professors will be having a pop as well. Harumph!