Rebellion below stairs, chez Stigwood

Friends, despite my current lovelorn nature, this weekend has been tarred with troubles of a more domestic kind, which came to a terrible head today.

No, it is not my friend and lodger Lumpy Pete, who remains a pleasure. Instead, I have experienced a mutiny below stairs. That is, my faithful crew of domestic servants have proved rather less faithful than I would like.

It is all because of my personal valet Brown, who's curmudgeonly behaviour has gradually led to an uprising since he joined me two years ago.

First, my brassy old cook Jacqui threw her soup stirrer at Brown after he balked at the taste of her turtle soup and suggested she take a more suitable job in my household. Out the door she went, throwing her pinafore to the floor as she left.

She was quickly followed by her pint-sized pal, my scullery maid Hazel, who left with a stream of shocking oaths aimed at my old retainer. When Brown responded in kind, my two butlers -Purnell and "chubby" Watson - jumped to the women's defence and an unholy scuffle broke out there in the pantry.

At this point I stormed in and ceased the unholy racket with some stern words. Purnell and Watson left in the direction of the public house with their final wage packet, and I sent Brown to think about his actions in the coal shed.

I returned to my study, only to hear a knock upon the door. Caroline, my parlour maid, came in to remonstrate. My, but she's an eye-catching slattern - dark haired and buxom, and with a saucy twinkle about the eye. I admit I have appreciated her womanly ways around the place.

"By your leave, Master Stigwood sir, I cannot work any longer with that terrible oaf," she said in her low English, refering to Brown. "He treats me like a fool, just because I is a beauty, and well-endowed to boot." She thrust her bosoms towards me by way of an explanation. "I wish to go somewhere where I shall be treated less loike female window dressing, like."

And with that, she walked out of my front door with her bags.

This is the final straw - my entire staff decimated because of that cantankerous old buffoon! I shall be having words!