A hypothesis

It was today that I began to ruminate upon a number of previous theories, these being on the inter-connection of sexual proclivity and geographical positioning. In keeping with the Sotadic Zones hypothesis of my esteemed colleague Richard Francis Burton, I am coming to some inescapable conclusions. Allow me to relay them to you now:

1. Being heavily built-up centres of population, cities contain their own zones within which the residents are more accepting towards certain sexual behaviours deemed to be inappropriate elsewhere. These may include pederasty and acts of triumvirate.

2. In cities, these zones are designated into 'bands' that radiate outwards from a central point.

3. London, being one of the larger of the world's cities, has one of the most well-defined ranges of sotadic zones. This diagram gives visibility to their formation. As I have observed it, the behaviours within each zone follow the following characteristics:

- Zone 1 is what might be called the Zone of Repression. Here, in refined places such as Kensington and Mansion House, sexuality is expressed properly and without passion between married people, while acts performed in darkened alleys are seldom occasioned.

- Containing such places as London Fields, Whitechapel and East Acton, Zone 2 might conversely be named the Zone of Iniquity. It is here that depraved acts of wanton sexuality are commonplace, where husbandry of the young is ubiqitous and where a gentleman may happily provide payment for the delivery of specialist acts without fear of opprobrium.

- However, it gets worse: Zone 3, wherein Wood Green and Streatham are situated, is inundated with female impersonators, onanistic clerics and virgin-seducing satanists.

- In Zone 4, the houses of Mill Hill East are filled to the rafters with scatalogical hermaphrodites, while hyperactive flashers prowl the streets of Southall, Barking and Morden.

- Meanwhile, if you are insane enough to walk the streets of Zone 5 after dusk, you can expect to be drenched in a rain of man-fluid falling heavy from the rooftops. But to seek shelter would merely lead you into the hands of leather-clad pimps who will excavate new sexual organs across your body while swigging Pimms straight from the bottle. But that's Dagenham Dock for you.

- Zone 6 - there is little to fear in Zone 6 apart from a short Irishman in Thames Ditton who may occasion to glance across your torso in a lascivious manner.

As you can see, my theoretics are faultless - but it is now time to test these considerations. Tomorrow night I shall head forth and explore these dens of obscenity. Wish me luck!