An unholy union of arthropods

Once we had seated ourselves in the smoking room and lit our cigars, Lumpy began his story.

"I followed Rebekah Brooks' carriage as it travelled into the unknown cavernous regions to the north of London," he said, as he immediately slid down onto my hearthrug and caressed my calves.

"Pulling up outside a complex maze of caves, Rebekah stepped down from the carriage, her tresses all a-ripple, and payed the Hansom man in song: 

'Thank you my man for bearing me here
 Thank you dear friend for your unerring steer'

"Such a trill, Augustus! Anyhow, she then walked into the mouth of a cave as I followed at a safe distance, grasping lengths of elderberry leaves to protect from potential destruction via cabbage gas. I followed her into a vast hall room, where I watched her drink from a goblet set upon an ancient table. She then loosened her clothing and, dear God... her features simply fell away! All her body skin and flesh shed to the floor a-crumple. Ugh!

"Her true form was as spider - an Orb-Weaver Spider - elevated and elongated, a cluster of eyelets twinkling with terrible malice in the gloom. O but I must confess that I soiled my cloth there and then, Augustus!

"She grasped a small bell with her pincer and let forth a tinkle, and was immediately joined by her former employer, Mr Rupert Murdoch, whose eyes twinkled with delight at the arachnoid vision before him. He couldn't help but to lick and slaver over her sickly ashen flesh. O! Augustus, how I retched in that antechamber at the sight of such depravity! I was nearly forced to look away!

"But then the match-made millionaire croaked out a speech: 'Phase Two! The crocus-field will be burning over this little number...'

He pulled a cord and a wall fell away, revealing Nick Clegg, who stepped forward. Clegg, the Whig who had thrown in his hat with the Tory Party! Clegg walked forward and spoke forth:

'There is no way that the 50p [rate] is unilaterally going to be dropped in the absence of progress on lowering tax on people on low and middle incomes and looking at ways the wealthiest pay their fair share,' he said menacingly.

'If millions of taxpayers feel they are being overlooked, ignored and passed over, as preference is given to people who need the least amount of help at the moment, you destroy the very fabric of consensus without which a sensible tax system cannot survive.' 

"O how I shudder to think of those words in its unknown tongue, Augustus! But the worst was yet to come, dear friend. Once he had uttered his mysterious incantation, he supped of the same goblet as had Rebekah, and at that too shed his skin! He revealed that beneath he held the physicality of a moth, a monstrous dust-covered Poplar Hawk Moth, some eight feet in height.

"And at that, he and the arachnoid Rebekah began a terrible coupling, their bodies intertwined in some ancient sexual rite, wings beating in ardour against the sickening flanks of the spider's sinewy thighs, as she lassoed him with her sticky bolas. Her fangs chattered viciously as he probed her with his sticky thorax, then grasped her with his vice-like valva and they made their ungodly marriage. And all the while, the sinister match-seller danced and guffawed around the two with glee.

"This terrible sexual communion continued for hours, Augustus, and as I watched I voided my stomach more times than I can remember. Finally it ended, and the sinister spider bit deeply into the moth's abdomen once his use was over, then consumed him entirely. The match millionaire cackled as he watched it done.

"At this, I had to leave, Augustus. It was too much for me to bear! What can it mean, my friend? What purpose was there in this most unholy of unions?"